[Sam Posey and Dick Vitale are on-camera.]
POSEY:  Hel--
VITALE:  [always shouting, as he does]  Hey, baby!  It's Memorial
         Day, baby, and you know what that means!!  We're in
         Indianapolis, baby!!!  It's the Indy 500, baby!!!!
         Right here on the Toon Network, baby!!!!!  Let's listen
         to my old buddy Gomer Pyle, that's right, it's Jim
         Nabors, baby!!!!!!
[Cut to Jim Nabors standing on the infield grass, singing.]
NABORS:  [singing in that great singing voice of his]  Baaaack
         hoommmme agaaain, innnn
[Cut back to Vitale and Posey.  Posey's trying to get one word in
POSEY:  I'm--
VITALE:  That was great, baby!  But it's slowing us down, baby!!
         We're toons, baby, so let's fast-forward a little!!!
[Vitale hits a fast-forward button and fast-forwards to the start
 of the race.]
VITALE:  There we are, baby!  The pace car is in, baby!!  It's
         the green flag, baby!!!  It's down, baby!!!!  The Indy
         is underway, baby!!!!!
POSEY:  [clamping a hand over Vitale's mouth to get a line in]
        And it looks like immediate trouble down in turn one,
VITALE:  [knocks Posey's hand away from his mouth...]  You're
         right, Sam, baby!  [and knocks Posey right out of the
         booth, plummeting about 200 feet onto the roof of a
         waiting ambulance.]
POSEY:  Aaaaaaaaaahhhh
[Sound F/X:  loud wet THUMP.]
JAY MAYNARD:  [shouting at Vitale from the ground]  Hey!  Be more
              careful up there!  [goes into standard code
VITALE:  [to Jay]  Sorry, baby!  [to camera]  But Sam was right,
         baby!!  Looks like the #65 car spun going into turn one,
         baby!!!  That's Jennette Owen, baby!!!!  But hey, this
         is the Indy, baby!!!!!  If you can't make it around the
         track, then don't embarass yourself by coming,
         baby!!!!!!  I'm told that our man in the pits, Don
         Waddell, is with Owen right now to talk with her for us,
         baby!!!!!!!  Don, baby?!!!!!!!!
[Cut to Nazhet's pit.  Keeper is standing here, along with an
 average-sized blonde woman of about 27 wearing a gold firesuit
 with the Animaniacs logo on it.  They're standing next to the
 remains of an Indy car that looks as if, at one time, the major
 sponsor was Warner Bros., in the form of advertising for
 Animaniacs.  However, there ain't that much left of the car.]
KEEPER:  That's Ron O'Dell, Dick.  Or just call me Keeper or
         Keep.  Don't call me Don Waddell any more, OK?
VITALE:  [off-screen, still on mike]  OK, Don, baby!
[Keeper sighs heavily]
KEEPER:  Well, Dick was right, I am here with the driver of the
         #65 car, Zhenet Owen...
NAZHET:  [to Richard]  God, can't you even spell my name right in
         dialogue in a script?
RICHARD:  [voiceover] Not with a.t.a'ers.  Vitale spelled it
          right, though!
NAZHET:  [rolls eyes]
KEEPER:  In any case, though, Nazhet, could you tell us what
         happened there?
NAZHET:  [to Keep]  Well, I was there, on the pole with the #3
         car there beside me...
KEEPER:  That's Dale Earnhardt in his Winston Cup car, right?
         The only stock car out there in this race?
NAZHET:  Right, Keep.  In any case, I was expecting Dale to get
         aggressive near the end of the race there, but I didn't
         expect him to hit me going into Turn One on the first
         lap.  He caught me by surprise, and spun me into the
         wall, and I'm just glad nobody else was involved.  Sorta
         wish I'd taken him with me, though...
[On-screen, as Keep and Nazhet continue to talk, Mindy runs out
 onto the track, closely followed by Buttons.  They are
 immediately CREAMED by Earnhardt's black Monte Carlo.  Next time
 around, he pulls into the pits to have them peeled off his
KEEPER:  Well, Nazhet, this certainly has to be a big
         disappointment, seeing as how you were the oddsmakers'
         favorite to win today, at your first Indy 500...
NAZHET:  [clearly quite upset]  Y-yes, it was, Kkeep.  I re-
         really wanted to at l-least f-f-f-finish this first
         time... [visibly fighting back tears]  B-but that big j-
         j-j-jerk Earnhardt decided th-that he wanted m-m-me
         out of the race... [starts sobbing]
KEEPER:  Nazhet... Jennette... it's not that important.  It's
         only one race of many.  It only FEELS more important!
         [Takes her in his arms to comfort her]  It's no more
         important than any other 500-mile race, or any other
         200-lap race!  [Squeezes gently to make sure she knows
         he really does care, and starts to sweat slightly as she
         squeezes back--and doesn't loosen her grip after he
         does.]  You feel better?
[Nazhet clearly feels better, from the look on her face, but she
 doesn't say that.]
NAZHET:  I don't know, Keep.  I think I might need some more
         [grin, pause] CONSOLING!
[Keeper swallows HARD!]
[Somehow, without moving her body or arms, Nazhet has managed to
 unzip her firesuit to the waist in the last thirty seconds or
NAZHET:  Don't you agree, Keep?
[Keeper is speechless, gaping at her.  Well, almost speechless.
 Might as well be.  OK, OK, here's what he said:]
KEEPER:  Ho hee hurk!  Hommina hommina hommina...
[Told you he might as well be speechless!]
[Quick shot of Dana Carvey, wearing a long blonde wig, and Mike
 Meyers.  They're both dressed in standard grunge fashion.]
CARVEY and MEYERS:  [unison]  Shu-WHING!  
[Back to Keep and Nazhet]
KEEPER:  What the hell was that?
NAZHET:  I hate cameos.
[Nazhet starts to slide a leg around Keeper's left leg]
NAZHET:  [sultry]  Sooooo, Keep, how about you console me some
[Keeper looks either way to make sure nobody's nearby, and
 suddenly grabs Nazhet with his arms around her waist--INSIDE the
 firesuit.  Even more suddenly...]
THE TOON NETWORK DIRECTOR (PLOTZ):  [loud enough to be clearly
                                    picked up by Keeper's mike
                                    despite coming through a
                                    well-clamped on noise-
                                    attenuating headset]
                                    O'DELL!!!  What the HELL do
                                    you think you're DOING?!?!?
                                    You're on the goddamned
[Keeper yelps in pain, then hurls the headset out onto pit road.
 He and Nazhet climb into the back of the waiting ambulance and
 shut the doors.  The ambulance starts rocking and bouncing
 around.  About 30 seconds later, it stops, the rear door opens
 again, and a very startled-looking Jay Maynard comes shooting
 out, headfirst.  The door immediately slams shut.  Jay tries it,
 and the front doors too.  All locked.]
JAY:  DAMN it, the keys are in there, too!
PLOTZ:  [on headset, over Jay's line]  KEEPER!  KEEPER!!!
        Dammit, why did he have to do that?  [sighs]  Go back to
        Vitale again...
[The ambulance starts giving its suspension a test again right
 before they cut back to Vitale.]
VITALE:  Uhh... OK,  Don, baby!  Whatever, Don, baby!!  We're
         going green-flag again after this commercial break,
[Race cuts to commercial.]